Now I've got a mama on my mind after hearing her desperately asking for assistance. Her OB pulled a classic bait and switch on VBAC and she is left feeling trapped and out of options.
Her situation has me pondering the way women in our culture generally take on the management of too many emotions, desires and social obligations of other people, often at the expense of themselves and their babies.
I can hear it, the pressure that fills a woman's head, the whispers encouraging her to ignore her instincts, ignore her needs, ignore her body and baby. I hear these whispers all the time from women around me.
But my doctor has been so good to me.
I love her even if I disagree.
She won't get paid if I switch.
She will be disappointed.
She won't like my decision.
The OB won't approve of what I want.
My midwife thinks I should do this instead and I can't face her.
He is going to be upset when he finds out about my birth plan!
He's been so nice, I hate to betray him.
What if it messes up his schedule?
They aren't used to doing that at the hospital.
They'll be inconvenienced if I ask for XYZ.
I've got to think of the homebirth/doula reputation in the area.
What if I ruin their holiday?
SO EFFIN' WHAT.
You are the MOMMY of your BABY, not of a bunch of adults who get paid for their work. So what if they are upset, angry, surprised, inconvenienced or disappointed. WHO gives a CRAP. Tell them to grow up and get over it. I thought they said a healthy baby is all that matters these days anyways?
You need something? You want something? Good. Go get it and don't waste an ounce of your pregnant energy worrying about the emotions of the other adult who choose as employees to be at hospitals and at births.
The thing is, at the end of the day, those doctors, nurses, midwives, doulas...they go home, back to their families. And yeah, they might remember your name and face, or recall that your baby was extra large or really cute. But your birth means nothing tangible to them.
Your birth did not imprint on their bodies for the rest of their lives. They will not stay up at night, seeing your birth over and over again. They will not suffer from pain, injuries or PTSD from your birth. They will not care for your baby 24/7 until adulthood.
They will go home, take a shower, make some dinner and watch TV or get on the computer. You and your baby will live with your birth for the rest of your lives.
SO WHAT if they feel "bad" about something you and your baby need. YOU ARE THE MAMA. Feeling responsible? Make sure it's only for YOU and YOUR BABY. Stop parenting the adults!
Is your care provider a professional assistant or an abusive boyfriend?