Confessions of a Mama who Waited for her Husband (May Discipline Series)

Published with permission, name withheld upon request. Copyright 2013.

This mama is right. One of the most frequent concerns I hear from parents who comment or contact me is that their partners disagree with gentle parenting methods, or even force the issue or override the mamas' discipline actions. But her story has much more to offer. Do you have a parenting story to share? During the month of May, we are sharing readers' submissions on parenting, discipline methods and inner growth. Email or PM your story to be included!


"One thing I hear a lot of is that the father doesn't agree with gentle parenting. He wants to hit or yell at his children to get them to obey. I saw a photo in your discipline album on Facebook that I really agree with. [Editor note: photo published below.] And it reminded me of what happened to my husband. I wanted to send this in to let other parents know that with time and perseverance, he can come around.

My husband has opposed gentle parenting since my first son was born 5 years ago. It's led to bitter fights between us and a lack of support that I very much need seeing as how I'm the one who disciplines them the majority of time.

Our second son was born last year and I watched a scene unfold with horror in my heart and then happiness. My son, barely a year old, wouldn't listen to my husband. Not exactly surprising for his age. But my husband became increasingly irate and finally turned and smacked him, hard. It broke my heart to see the man I loved and admired so much hitting a defenseless, tiny child over a minor issue.

But what happened next has changed our marriage and parenting forever. My son's face broke, literally crumpled. He dropped down to the ground and starting smacking himself over and over again like my husband had smacked him. And he said his first word, that beautiful "first" we had been waiting on. He said, "Bad. Bad. Bad." Over and over.

My husband, the one who has yelled at me for years, who has stomped his feet over the duty to punish, who has rolled his eyes at my attempts to parent gently, started crying and has vowed never to hurt our children again. He is even reading some of the articles I email him.

So please stick with it, stay the course. Don't give in or let the other parent hurt the children. Don't just live with it because one day I have faith the other person will realize what he or she has been doing to your children. Hitting leaves scars, not just on our children but on us and our relationships. Don't stand for it and be ready to forgive and to love when they finally see it. You can publish this any way you see fit on your page or blog but please don't identify me."

Confessions of a Mama Alone but Strong (May Discipline Series)

Published with permission. Copyright Rebekah Shearer 2013.

This week's gentle parenting journey shows us that despite a myriad of obstacles, a lack of support and much stress, we can still reach within us to find that patience and love necessary for our children.

"Here's my story that I'd like to share...

For years I tried to conceive, being told it would be difficult, if not improbable for my husband and I with my severe PCOS. This was something my husband cruelly used against me in his reason for cheating on me, the reason for our divorce six months after I left everything to move to Texas from Pennsylvania with him. After the divorce and being together for a short time, I found myself at 35, pregnant with a man I loved more than I had loved anyone.

I was shocked to say the least. I decided right away when we found out it was a boy: breastfeeding and no circumcision. I was adamant. Eight months went by. My partner went to every appointment, every sonogram, sang to my belly, got maternity photos done, ran around the baby stores with the ”gun” picking out endless things for our baby boy.

On September 11, 2011, my whole world changed. It was a Sunday, three weeks before my due date, I came home from work to find my partner, the love of my life, the father of my son moving out of our home. I was alone. I was 1500 miles away from my family. Because of the stress, I ended up with a c-section. I developed, in those three short weeks, mild gestational diabetes and my son's belly was bigger than his head and I had extra fluid.

My son's father was present, but other than that, I was alone. Depression and fear were setting in. I had no one to support me or my decisions I was so adamant about. My son had a long foreskin. Like a lot. The doctor was telling me that it was beneficial, blah blah blah. I honestly believe that he took advantage of my situation. This doctor also told me I'd have to find a new pediatrician because I didn't adhere with Texas state guidelines and schedule for vaccines (why did my two day old need a Hep B vaccine?) I agreed, helplessly, to allow a man that knew me for ten minutes to convince me to cut my perfect little boy. I cry about this all the time.

Because he did have such a long foreskin and he had the ”bell procedure,” he still has some tissue left. He gets adhesions where that skin sticks to the scar tissue ... still, at almost 19 months old. So now, riddled with guilt, this is still a story of success at gentle parenting.

I have to forgive myself for that decision I made while I was in really bad shape. I survived being alone. I survived PPD. We dealt with weekly doctor visits because he wasn't gaining weight and I had low milk supply, taking care of a newborn after a c-section in a third floor apartment with a rottweiler and no car and no family. What did I learn? I learned strength. I learned patience. I learned to not give up on breastfeeding. (Yes, we are STILL nursing).

We do organic foods, we do time outs and explanations, we show love not hitting. We do cuddles and attachment. I researched vaccines. We did some ... very delayed and skipped others. I learned to do my research, to stand my ground, to be an advocate for MY son.

At six weeks old, my son and I moved back to Pennsylvania to be with my parents. I slowly am recovering from PPD. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and currently have a broken foot. I do get frustrated, I do have non-mother-of-the-year moments, and it's difficult at times being both a mother and a father. My parents were very non-attachment parents. I have educated them and they are very gentle and patient with my son. Never too late to learn.  I do still get grief from them about bedsharing or extended nursing, but I explain that he is MY son and I will raise him as I see fit.

 I wanted to share this to help other moms who need to forgive themselves, to know it's never to late for gentle parenting. To never give up, despite the obstacles. Much love to groups and sites like yours that gave me support and education to make me a better mom. Although we went though all of those things, I wouldn't change it. My son is amazing. I am a better mom and by far a better human being because of it. I now also teach gentle parenting to families I work with (I'm a behaviorist and work with troubled children and children with autism). I am truly blessed and have not given up on a ”happily ever after.” Sorry so long. Just wanted to maybe help some moms that may be struggling with any of these things.

With much love,
Rebekah Shearer"

Jewish Anti-Circumcision and Intactivist Ads in Israel (Translations Provided)

The following ads were produced by Israeli Intactivist Group Gonnen.org founder Eran Sadeh.

*Translation courtsey of Eli Ungar-Sargon.

Photo 1

Photo 1: "In the natural state, the corona within the foreskin is protected as an internal organ, moist like the eye. In infancy, the foreskin is connected to the organ and protects it. An organ without the foreskin is exposed to infection. THE MOHEL PARES AND REMOVES AROUND 1/3 OF THE SKIN OF THE PENIS!" [Under the picture of the baby] "A majority of the circumcised require corrective surgery to widen the urethral opening under full anesthetic."

"RECOVERY FROM THE CIRCUMCISION WOUND IS SIMILAR IN SEVERITY AND RISKS TO RECOVERY FROM A THRID DEGREE BURN (ORGAN WITHOUT SKIN)."

"Following the removal of the foreskin, the psychology of sexual relations is changed. Sexual intercourse with a foreskin is gentler, more sensitive, and more satisfying."

"For additional details, visit 'Gonen on the child' and in the forum 'Passing on Brit Milah' on Tapuz."

Photo 2

Photo: 2: "A word on Brit"[Double entendre in Hebrew]."

"THE FORESKIN IS IMPORTANT AND HAS MANY FUNCTIONS. There are risks and complications in the cutting of the foreskin. Some of the problems are only revealed in adolescence. Some people are not aware that they were damaged and think it's normal."

"CIRCUMCISION SIGNIFICANTLY REDUCES THE SENSITIVITY OF THE PENIS. On normal skin the size of the foreskin there are 50 nerve endings. In the foreskin, there are 100 nerve endings."

"SOMEONE BORN TO A JEWISH MOTHER IS JEWISH WITH OR WITHOUT A FORESKIN."

"Removal of the foreskin is no guarantee for social acceptance."

Photo 3

Photo 3: "Circumcision=Abuse"

Photo 4

Photo 4: "I am against circumcision and any superfluous word"[double entendre in Hebrew]

Photo 5

Photo 5: "PENIS IS GOOD FOR THE JEWS! The association for the abolition of circumcision."

Photo 6

Photo 6: "JEWS DON'T CUT JEWS! The association for the abolition of circumcision."

Resources

Judaism, the Foreskin and Human Rights Law.Jewish Questioning of Circumcision * Part 1.

Jewish Questioning of Circumcision * Part 2. Jewish Questioning of Circumcision * Part 3.

Jewish Intactivists in Israel (Websites in Hebrew)*Gonnen * Kahal * Af-Mila: An Israeli Jewish Intactivist Journal *The Israeli Association Against Genital Mutilation *

Jewish Intactivist Media.BeyondtheBris.com * Jewish Intactivist Articles & Opinions.

Cut: Slicing Through the Myths of Circumcision * A Movie by Orthodox Intactivist, Eliyahu Ungar-Sargon

Jewish Intactivist Groups.Jews Against Circumcision * Jews For the Rights of the Child * Questioning Circumcision: A Jewish Perspective by Ron Goldman, PhD.

Some Rabbis Explain their Opposition to Circumcision.

Rabbis On Creating A Jewish Covenant Without Circumcision

Intactivism Active Within Humanistic Judaism 

Rabbi Jeffrey Falick: Eliminating The Cruelest Cut * The Vice President of the Association of Humanistic Rabbis writes on Intactivism.

Rabbi Jeffrey Falick: A Resource Guide To The "Intactivist" (No Circumcision) Movement*

Rabbi Nathan Segal * A Progressive Rabbi urges us to move to peaceful covenants.

Welcomming Covenant Texts for Jewish Parents.

Worldwide list of Rabbis who lead covenant without cutting ceremonies * 

Norm Cohen: A Brit B’lee Milah Ceremony *

A Brit Shalom Ceremony * 

Song for an Intact Jewish Boy’s Welcoming Ceremony * 

Brit B'lee Milah Ceremony * 

Jewish Parents' Experiences Keeping their Sons Intact.

Dear Elijah: A Conservative Jewish Father's Letter to His Intact Son * Published on Peaceful Parenting.

Moshe Rothenberg: Ending Circumcision in the Jewish Community? * Envisioning an Intactivist Judaism.

Laura Shanley: A Jewish Woman Denounces Circumcision * A Childbirth educator chooses intact.

Michael Kimmel: The Kindest Un-Cut: Feminism, Judaism, and My Son's Foreskin * Published in Tikkun. 

Stacey Greenberg: My Son: The Little Jew with a Foreskin * Published in Mothering Magazine.

Jewish Intactivism in America and Worldwide

Jewish Rationales for Abolishing Circumcision * by Jews Against Circumcision.

Eli Ungar-Sargon & Rabbi Shmuley Boteach on the Ethical Problems of Circumcision * At the Manhattan Jewish Experience.

Eli Ungar-Sargon: Outlawing Circumcision: Good for the Jews? * Published in the Jewish Daily Forward.

Hebrew Scholar Vadim Cherny: How Judaic is circumcision? * It’s not at all, he finds.

Circumcision Questions (letter from an intact Jew). * Published in the Northern California Jewish Bulletin.

Miriam Pollack: Circumcision: Identity, Gender, and Power * Originally published in Tikkun magazine.

Miriam Pollack: Circumcision : A Jewish Feminist Perspective * Published in Jewish Women Speak Out.

Lisa Braver Moss: The Jewish Roots of Anti-Circumcision Arguments * 

Jenny Goodman, MD: An Alternative Perspective * A Jewish doctor in the UK urges us to keep our sons intact.

A Progressive Case for Bris without Milah. * 

Moshe Rothenberg: Being Rational About Circumcision and Jewish Observance * 

Brit Milah: Inconsistent with Jewish Ethics? * Written by a Jewish parent.

Jewish Intactivism Quotes (Images for Convenient Sharing)

You can learn more about Jewish Intactivism here: http://guggiedaly.blogspot.com/2013/04/the-state-of-jewish-intactivism-in-usa.html

Circumcision: When Surgery is a Snip on a Board

Submitted 4-29-2013 © Sanfis Daly 2013

Contrary to popular claims, circumcision isn't a quick snip of dangling skin. Yes, it's performed on a very small person, hence a small body part. But it's actually quite major surgery if you think about it:

First, the organ has to be separated from the penis. As in, ripped away, since the body has a natural adhering mechanism similar to the way your fingernails are adhered to your nailed. Then the organ is clamped, then slit down and around. This has to be done by eye, since the retracting design of the foreskin organ is not "marked" on the penis. It's like "penis skin" as my brother in law calls it. How much of the penis do you want to take off for your son? Well, the doctor decides that in the moment.

Then the surgical wound has to be belled, clamped or stitched. The now-exposed penis is an internal organ, so it then has to successfully alter in thickness and cellular development to protect itself from being exposed for a lifetime. Imagine your eyes without eyelids and what they would have to do to continue functioning properly and without pain.

Finally, because circumcision removed the functioning organ protecting the penis, this means all of the other systems involved were destroyed as well. So the immune protection (such as the Langerhans cells) for the penis is now missing, along with the moistening membranes and healthy bacterial flora. You know how women are discouraged from douching frequently or they might irritate and strip their natural flora? The circumcised baby boy is now in a permanently stripped state.

What's most interesting about this surgical style is that all of what I described is performed on a neonate, the term describing an infant within the first 28 days of life. Neonates are fragile in the context of surgical procedures. They can't be safely anesthetized and any complication, infection or adverse reaction to medication is going to be more serious and potentially permanently damaging or fatal. And yet in addition to the heightened risk on these fragile people, the surgery is performed unlike any other surgery out there.

The babies are simply tied down to a plastic board, a basic sheet placed over the body to protect from blood sprays/drops and then off the surgeon goes into this delicate and dangerous surgery. Can someone tell me the last time they had an adult surgery like this? Even going to the dentist for oral surgery, you are hooked to a blood pressure cuff and monitored, after a thorough history is taken to ensure you won't react to medications. (Not that anyone knows the history for newborns as they are new.)

Where is the blood pressure cuff for the baby tied down on the board? Where is his heart monitor? Was he screened for heart defects and blood clotting disorders before surgery? Was he screened for allergies to anesthetics? Was he examined to rule out PID (primary immune deficiency) or other autoimmune or congenital disorders that would make an infection more likely and more severe, or harder to treat? 

Where is the carefully marked design of how much of the organ to remove, and from what area on his genitals? What other surgery relies fully on the doctor's hand and personal opinion without guide, laser, computer analysis or even parental confirmation since the boy can't give his consent or review the "finished" product? What kind of circumcision is he getting exactly?

The next time you think circumcision is a little snip, take a moment to ponder these questions. If you get more and better care as an adult going into the dentist to remove a rotten tooth, then your baby has been cheated out of not just his healthy organ and human rights, but his right to a safe, sterile and monitored surgery.

Want to learn more about baby circumcision? This article lists everything from medical literature to educational videos.

Sanfis Daly, father to three and owner 

of Circumcised Fathers, Intact Sons, 

works to provide a different perspective 

about genital mutilation in America, 

drawing on his background in biology and 

experience as a circumcised male and father. 

Some of his other writings include:

You are More and

Confessions of a Circumcised Son.